Archive for June, 2010

30
Jun
10

Sulfite Free Cream of Asparagus Soup


Hi.

Would you like to make this?

Cream of Crazy Woman Soup

Fantastic.

Here’s what you  need…

1 bunch of asparagus (2 cups when chopped)

2 tbsp. olive oil

2 tbsp. oat flour

4 cups low salt chicken broth (I made mine from scratch last week.  It’s a PITA aka pain in the ass.  But that’s what you have to do when you suffer from a sulfite allergy.  Let me know if you need help with that.)

2 cups enriched rice milk

3/4 tsp. sea salt

fresh ground black peper

1 tsp. honey

1 more  tbsp. oat flour

chopped fresh parsley

Ok kittens, this is what you do:

Break off tough bottoms of asparagus.  Cut off tips and reserve about 10 for garnish.  Don’t drop them on floor like I did.  (5 second rule.)  Steam stalks until tender.  Put rest of tips in bowl and add remaining asparagus cut into 1/2 inch pieces.  Make a roux by heating the OO in a pot over medium heat.  Add 2 tbsp. oat flour and cook, stirring, about 2 minutes.  Add 2 cups of the chicken broth and cook about 10 minutes, stirring frequently until sauce thickens.  Add remaining chicken broth and rice milk and bring to simmer.  I am going to start typing a-gus because I am lazy.  Add the chopped a-gus and simmer about 10 minutes until very tender.   Now listen very carefully to this next step.  Do NOT do what I did and pour hot soup into a glass blender.  It will blow up and you will have asparagus soup in your mascara.

Take pot off heat and puree the a-gus by ladling it out with some broth into a food processor or blender.  Once pureed return to pot.  Good luck and may the force be with you.

Place back on low heat, add salt, pepper and honey.  Bring to a simmer.

If you would like it a little bit creamier, do the following:

Combine 1 tbsp. oat flour with 1/4 cup of the coup in a little bowl and blend it well.  Add it back into the pot.   Cook  at a slow simmer for about another 10 minutes until soup is creamy.  Remove from heat, stir in parsley, garnish with a-gus tips and have at it, friend!

Let me know how it goes for you…and my new soup motto is It’s better to sip your soup than wear it in your hair.

UPDATE 10:49am August, 4, 2010
This recipe is officially good when you substitute the a-gus with broccoli

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30
Jun
10

Why there is asparagus on my camera.


There is officially something wrong with me in the kitchen.

It’s not funny.  I can’t cook anything.  It’s like a genetic disorder.  I try SO hard.  I really really really concentrate and I lay everything out neatly and I read the recipe, kinda.

I tried to make cream of asparagus soup yesterday for lunch.  I was so hungry, you guys.  And I wanted to make a big batch, some to eat and some to freeze.  I bought this gorgeous asparagus and the Libertville Farmer’s market with the recipe in mind.  But the kids were all up in my get up and the phone kept ringing and and then Thor took them outside for a little bit because he saw that my hair was standing on end.  Alpha had a bunch of buddies over and they were playing a pick-up game of street hockey on the cul-de-sac and the girls were making the neighborhood rounds, so I was ALONE for 5 glorious minutes.

I simmered the soup and it was looking and smelling quite gorgeous.  I was SALAVATING.  I needed to puree it so I put it in the blender.  My new glass blender.  And I pureed it for a minute until it mother truckin BLEW UP

Photographer cried while taking this picture.

Oh wait, here is a burn on my leg.

My legs look fat but their really not that fat. Serious.

PEOPLE.  SULFITE ALLERGY SUFFERERS AND EVERYONE ELSE.  This is not a joke.  I am not trying to be totally sucky at cooking.  I really just really really am very very sucky.

I totally burst out crying.  I burnt my LEG.  I wailed and keened and whispered to myself…”That’s ok.  I’ll just (SOB) BLOG IT!!!! (SOB SOB SOB)”  And I grabbed my camera.  And got asparagus on it.

I was able to scrounge literally one little cup of it.  And I picked the little asparagus tip garish off the floor and rubbed it on my soiled shirt.

For what it’s worth….

cream of crazy woman soup

and I know it looks like ass, but it actually tasted really fricken good.  And it also was seasoned with the salt of my tears. I will post the recipe tomorrow when I have fully recovered my sanity, my patience and my will to live.

The good news is today I made an outstanding mango salsa and no one was burned, no one cried and no one had to throw away any appliances….will post that recipe tomorrow….OLE!!!!

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28
Jun
10

F*ck it. I’ll Just Drink Beer.


And the food travel test is over.

Grade:  D-

Dude.  That was brutal.

Part of the problem with all of this is that I have three children and I am in a constant state of crazy.  So Thor and I had the best intentions of packing all this great stuff for me.  But at the eleventh hour, pretty much all that ended up tossed in the travel food bag was a bag of pretzels, a few raisins and non organic apples.  None of which I can eat. I did manage to pack up a tiny cooker of the following:

Fresh dill, goat cheese, some avocados, a bag of kettle chips for munchies, sliced cucumbers and a load of yummy Breadsmith french bread. And some honey.  Which I never used and it leaked all over my bag.  THUMP.

This is an overview of how the meals went:

Friday night, get to hotel, check in, see our lacrosse family friends and everyone says, “Let’s get mexican!!”  Ole.  Great.

First of all, the waitress was so very fricken pissed that we showed up with 6 parents and 15 very loud, obnoxious, hungry and pumped up little lacrosse players.  And 2 whiny girls.   So when I politely say that I have a food allergy, she hated me pretty much from the starting gate.

I had the bartender make me a Heatherita, which was fabulous and got me through the next 14 minutes until I got my second Heatherita.   I ordered fish tacos, with NO SPICING and a side of fresh avocado.  I swear to God that when she dumped, and I mean, dropped,  that plate in front of me, that fish was covered with crap on it.  But we couldn’t tell if it was just…grill stuff…or not.  This is the problem.  People don’t realize that even cooking it on the grill with residual stuff can maim me for like 2 days.  But I was so terribly hungry and at this point, increasingly buzzed, so I ate it.  Did I mention that they made fresh table side guac there?  Sadists.  Then they put this HUGE bowl with the chips and salsa I can’t eat right in front of me.  Satanists.

It’s at this point, I realize that I can’t do this.  How am I going to do this? For the rest of my life?

I jsut sat there, ate my fish taco, drank my Heatherita, pouted and looked pretty.  That was all I could do.

The next morning I woke up and my right had looked like this…

It’s fine. Whatever.  Brought the wrist brace.

We stayed at one of those Courtyard Marriott’s that includes the breakfast.  I had brought with me in a baggie some Honey puffed Kashi cereal that I can eat, so I happily had a bowl of that with an orange and that worked out really well.  I wanted a bagel and cream cheese and bacon, but I resisted the pout urge and forced myself to be perky, spunky and full of life.

Ok, let me set up the scenario.  Alpha was in a tournament with some of the top little lacrosse players in the Midwest.  We were in Brown Deer, Wisconsin and there where 14 fields of games going on all day Saturday.  It was so freakin steamy and not an ounce of shade.  Cracker and Bambi were hot, sweaty little messes and pretty pissed to be there.  So after the second game, everyone say’s “Let’s go to Culver’s!”  I wanted to say, “F*ck you”.  But I didn’t.   It’s not their fault.  So everyone went and ate butter burgers while I sat in the car with the air conditioning cranked with my lil’ knife and cutting board, my fresh dill in a baggie (DORK), my goat cheese and sliced cukes/carrots and had a mini cracker sandwich/pity party.  It really wasn’t so bad.  I did have one friend peek in the window at me and laugh but that was to be expected. And she has the allergy too.  So she sympathizes.

Thor was a sweetie for packing something adult I could drink and I ended up chugging a couple of Sierra Nevada’s out of the cooler, so that took the edge off.  Oh yeah!  REALLY great idea  to drink those and then stand in the hot beating sun for a few hours.

Other notable meal issues:

One of my high school BFFs lived 15 minutes from where we were and and another HS BFF was visiting her as well, so Sat night we went over to their gorgeous glass house on Lake Michigan.  Such a blast!  IT was so fantastic to see everyone.  They were grilling kabobs, which were already marinated, so I just made myself ANOTHER goat cheese, cuke, dill, carrot sandwich.  And as my dear friend and I were eating in her back deck overlooking the magnifient lake on a perfect night, I looked down and noticed that most of the sandwich I was eating was made of moldy bread.  GAG  GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG

I cry.

The next day, we were supposed to have at least 2 more games and the weather was horrible so the rest of the tourney was cancelled.  We were planning to stay on as a family and attend Milwaukee’s Summerfest.  I was of course dreading what I would eat there and at this point I was out of all food except a few pieces of  moldy bread.

So we went to Cheescake factory for lunch.  AGGGGHHHHHHKKKKK

I was nothing short of a hot mess looking at the menu.  I opted for a steak, some rice and sauteed spinach.

This was the food that surrounded me:

Alpha – breaded shrimp and the yummiest, sluttiest coleslaw I have ever seen.

Bambi and Cracker – A seductively ridiculous mound of homemade mac and cheese.

Thor  – Don’t even get me started with Thor.  He ate for four people.  And then he ate Alpha’s coleslaw.  And he had a pile of garlic mashed potatoes  like this And every time he took a bite out of something, he would moan with delight.  I swear I was seconds from stabbing him in the neck with my fork.

My steak was clearly mistaken for one of the actual Stanley Cup hockey pucks.  And my bland rice and spinach just made me cry.  But there was a very big plus.  They had Sierra Nevada.  So I said, “F*ck it.  I’ll just drink beer.”

Seriously, it wasn’t THAT bad.   I did have pita chip crackers and some fresh berries that I would pop in my mouth every once in awhile and one time, I peeled an avocado and ate it like an apple.  It definitely is okay in the every day routine but the hardest is eating out in restaurants.  It’s such a random allergy that waitstaff are like, “What?”  And I don’t think anyone really takes it seriously.   And trying to eat anything at a fest or something like Great America, the best thing you can do is scope out the roasted corn and drink a ton of water.  I cheated with a few Blue Moons but there was an orange slice in it, so I faked myself out.  I am paying for it a little now, but all in all, I am a survivor WHAT I’m not gonna give up WHAT I’m not gon’ stop WHAT I’m gonna work harder WHAT.

Werd.

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25
Jun
10

This is a test. For Sulfites.


Check these out!

You can actually check your food for sulfites!
I don’t know.  Would I?  Could I? Should I in a boat or on a car or on a float?

It seems really anal.  But if you are out at a restaurant and want to really make sure, I guess you can get some of these strips.  You know what?  YOU KNOW WHAT?  (Throws down glove) I am DOING it.  I will throw myself under a bus for all of you and try them.  Ordering….please hold.

F*%^$^%ck man!  They charged me 7 bucks for shipping and they were only $5 for the strips.  G.D. chemists.

All alright.  I ordered them.   When I get them, I will shove one of them in my Applebee’s meal and see if a 5 car alarm goes off.  Will let you know.  That’s how much I love you.

HAPPY FRIDAY

Today we leave for a weekend lacrosse tourney.  I have decided, with the meal planning help of AWESOME Tracy, to bring some light fixings in the cooler.  But not much more.   I am going to really test out restaurants and see what happens.  I may look like this on Sunday.

I will let you know.

Sidenote:  If you ate something funny and you need to make yourself throw up, go to Google images and search for “swollen”.  Happy vomiting.

update 8:55am

Oh, you are gonna love this.

I just got an email from the the chemists who make the sulfite tests.

People like this make this whole blogging thing really, really easy.

And I quote:

“Dear Ms. Moran,

Thank you for your interest in our Sulfite Detectors.  Unfortunately, ChemSee-Foods has a minimum order requirement of $30.00.

If you would like, we can charge an additional $25.00 for an additional 5 units.  That would bring the total order cost with shipping to $37.17.

Otherwise, I will be happy to reimburse your charge.

At your earliest convenience, please let me know how you would like to proceed.”

My response:

“I don’t need anything else from your company.

I think it’s too bad.  I have a blog that reaches out to (note the use of the world) thousands of  sulfite allergy sufferers and I notified everyone that I was going to be purchasing these and testing them for everyone.  You would have definitely gotten a lot of orders.”

So to all of the thousands (4) of pals who are reading this:  Sorry.  I tried.  They wouldn’t even let me near the bus.

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25
Jun
10

What the heck is a widget.


Still learning all of this craziness.

Look what I made:
Amazon.com Widgets

Click on it.  I get paid thousands of dollars.

I am really just kidding.  I think.

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24
Jun
10

HOT DAYUM. I cooked something.


(Cue applause track.)

I cooked something that was actually edible.

One of my new sulfite-free buddies suggested a new cookbook.  I ordered it and I am having a ton of fun with it.  It’s called The Whole Foods Allergy Cookbook

So far I have made the avocado dressing and avocado mayo and they do the job.  My chicken sandwiches no longer taste like dried tongue.

Last night I made the Lime Steak and Pineapple Salsa and holy hell, they were really good.  My cousin Astroguy was there to pick up his son and he was a little pessimistic.  I don’t think he thought I had it in me to make the salsa.  Especially since A.) He knows I don’t know what the hell I am doing.  B) I don’t have the right mechanics i.e. kitchen equipment.

I am trying to do all the chopping in my blender and my Magic Bullet, of with you know I LOVE, but I need a Cuisinart or something.  Will have to break down and get one.

Anywho,  the salsa was OLE!!!  Will post recipe one of these days…it was good on the meat, which I served over rice and a side of sauteed kale.  But it would be good with just chips too…we were dipping pita chips in there and it makes for a great little appetizer.   It didn’t look that great, people, but it really tasted divine.

This is NOT my salsa. You should know by now that my salsa wouldn't look this good.

BEANS UPDATE

I finally was able to make an edible batch of them beans.  The world can now rotate again.

TRAVELING

We are going to a lacrosse tournament this weekend and staying in a hotel with no fridge.  What the hell.  What do I do?  I guess we can bring a cooler of stuff but that sounds SOOO high maintenance.  Need travel food guide eating advice stat.  The good thing is that I am sure that I will have a lot to blog about when I get back.

I CAN’T MAKE RICE

I can’t make rice.  I even bought a rice cooker from Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I still can’t make rice.  Seriously, what is wrong with me?

AVOCADO

I just realized that since I like avocados so much, I type that word a lot.  But I just noticed that I have been spelling it wrong.  I am too lazy to go alllllll over the site and change the spelling so I want to take this moment to apologize to you and please make mental note that I am a spelling blond.  That is all.

(I think Magic Bullet needs to start paying me for advertising. BUY THE BULLET.  http://www.buythebullet.com/)
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21
Jun
10

The food at Great America may have killed me


Oh my LORD there is nothing but crap to eat at Great America.

We had an awesome day with Thor and the little ones…but I was hungry, yo and everyone was rubbing up against me with their whipped cream-covered funnel cakes and there churros and there huge ass misshapen beef and cheddar sammies and their fricken’ cheese pretzels.  I kept circling the Southwest Territory for a hummus and baby carrot stand or perhaps a grilled eggplant and fresh herb garden vender, but hell NO.  Great America=not sulfite-free.   I was hot, smelly and hungry and I did NOT look attractive.  Luckily, no one else did either.

So here are the things I cheated with today.  It is virtually impossible to have a sulfite allergy at an amusement park:

*Cold Stone creamery strawberry pie ice cream.

*an unsalted pretzel.  Man, that sucked.  What a waste of a cheat.  I wasn’t even inspired enough to eat a quarter of it.  It was all hard and bland.  I think I left it on the table.  It’s probably still there if you want it.

*I took a few sips of the kids multiple varieties of Icee flavors.  All tasted like fruit flavored piss.

*Fresh corn on the cob with butter.  Actually, I don’t think that was cheating.  But the butter was probably made out of melted bubble wrap so I will add that to the list.

*1 bite of Maggie’s chicken nugget from the Wendy’s stop on the way home.  (I had a plain baked potato.  All that did was just further piss me off.)

Oh yeah, speaking of Wendy’s.  Our gorgeous, sweet, funny, well-behaved and enthusiastic children today basically suffered from borderline child abuse due to the crap that we made them eat today.

McDonald’s for breakfast….GA pizza for lunch….random unmentionables across the park, (costing us, by the way,  somewhere in the neighborhood of ONE MILLION DOLLARS) and Wendy’s for dinner on the way home.

Going to crawl in bed after I wash my Great America feet, kiss my perfect father husband Thor and pray that I can move my extremities in the morning.  Those funnel cakes looked slutty, though.  Mmmmmmmm…..

This guy is annoying and I'm glad I didn't bump into him

update 1:15pm June 21, 2010

The food at Great America did not kill me.

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Heather Moran

Crazed sulfite-free woman.

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