30
Jun
10

Why there is asparagus on my camera.


There is officially something wrong with me in the kitchen.

It’s not funny.  I can’t cook anything.  It’s like a genetic disorder.  I try SO hard.  I really really really concentrate and I lay everything out neatly and I read the recipe, kinda.

I tried to make cream of asparagus soup yesterday for lunch.  I was so hungry, you guys.  And I wanted to make a big batch, some to eat and some to freeze.  I bought this gorgeous asparagus and the Libertville Farmer’s market with the recipe in mind.  But the kids were all up in my get up and the phone kept ringing and and then Thor took them outside for a little bit because he saw that my hair was standing on end.  Alpha had a bunch of buddies over and they were playing a pick-up game of street hockey on the cul-de-sac and the girls were making the neighborhood rounds, so I was ALONE for 5 glorious minutes.

I simmered the soup and it was looking and smelling quite gorgeous.  I was SALAVATING.  I needed to puree it so I put it in the blender.  My new glass blender.  And I pureed it for a minute until it mother truckin BLEW UP

Photographer cried while taking this picture.

Oh wait, here is a burn on my leg.

My legs look fat but their really not that fat. Serious.

PEOPLE.  SULFITE ALLERGY SUFFERERS AND EVERYONE ELSE.  This is not a joke.  I am not trying to be totally sucky at cooking.  I really just really really am very very sucky.

I totally burst out crying.  I burnt my LEG.  I wailed and keened and whispered to myself…”That’s ok.  I’ll just (SOB) BLOG IT!!!! (SOB SOB SOB)”  And I grabbed my camera.  And got asparagus on it.

I was able to scrounge literally one little cup of it.  And I picked the little asparagus tip garish off the floor and rubbed it on my soiled shirt.

For what it’s worth….

cream of crazy woman soup

and I know it looks like ass, but it actually tasted really fricken good.  And it also was seasoned with the salt of my tears. I will post the recipe tomorrow when I have fully recovered my sanity, my patience and my will to live.

The good news is today I made an outstanding mango salsa and no one was burned, no one cried and no one had to throw away any appliances….will post that recipe tomorrow….OLE!!!!

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8 Responses to “Why there is asparagus on my camera.”


  1. 1 Viola
    June 30, 2010 at 4:22 am

    Just started reading your blog and it is hilarious!

    And, oh, poor girl – did you leave the lid on of the container? And fill it more than half full? Yeah, it’s tricky to blend hot stuff.

    Get a stick blender!! Easy peasy, blend right in the pot. $25 at Target.

  2. 3 Tracy
    June 30, 2010 at 4:32 am

    Um – hot shit expands. And the air around it – expands. And the glass it is in – expands. I – uh – look forward to the recipe. I have often thought I was lucky because at least if I have this damn allergy – my mom used to own a restaurant. My fave childhood memories are of cooking with mom. I can COOK. I realize now that ain’t the case with everyone. Sigh. If it makes you feel better – I revamped the Nutella recipe tonight for you – it is BETTER and COVERS YOUR OTHER ALLERGIES. Is your food processor still functional? I cringe now at the sweet potato pancake recipe I gave you that consists of “some of this” and “a little of that – use your judgment”. I will – step up my accuracy…..

  3. June 30, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Can’t wait about the nutella!!! I haven’t pinpointed the allergy thing with the nuts. I do know that I can have peanuts. But then I don’t think we can have peanuts. THUMP.
    I still have my amazing MAGIC BULLET to do the job but it is really little. And I want to order the cuisinart but I don’t have the extra money right now 😦

  4. June 30, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Oh my god. I love you. You will learn, grasshopper. I just recently ruined my favorite pitcher because I forgot about that important rule of physics – don’t pour boiling hot shit into a glass container. KABOOM. That day, my camera got tea bagged 😉

  5. 7 Tracy
    June 30, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Nope, no peanuts. But how are you with cashews? and where is the soup recipe? I am dying to make it now!


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Heather Moran

Crazed sulfite-free woman.

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