To top it all off…my underwear fell Down

I have ‘roid rage.

And I am surrounded by a virtual plethora of people who really do not care to deal with me at the moment.

I am having a problem dealing with even the small dose of prednisone that I am on for the next three months to help to get my RA in remission for a bit.  I am supposed to be picking out my new medications for all of this but I am so confused and overwhelmed and now manic and slovenly.  S’not pretty, ladies and gentlemen.  So I am ignoring it all and will instead tell you about how my undies fell down yesterday in the halls of a catholic school.

No, I am trying to share one of my weird dreams. No, I am not a total perv.  It was just part for the course of my ridiculously mentally exhausting day yesterday.

I was supposed to be helping out at a local high school to cast their spring musical last night.  They needed a vocal coach to help them in that department and I was happy to help, as I did last year.  But I made the commitment months ago and didn’t know that I would end up sick and feeling like the Son of Sam on crack.  It was too late to back out yesterday, but I really didn’t feel very up to the task at hand.

I had a horrible day of freaking out and crying over the littlest amounts of spilled milk and nothing was going right.  My holiday show sold out (a good thing) but trying to schedule an encore performance was stressful, so I was all hopped up on that drama for the afternoon.  I also had a hair appointment scheduled AFTER the auditions, to fix my nappy roots because I looked a lot like this

Seriously, it’s been months.

And I have 3 gigs this weekend, 2 of which are in WI at a 900 seat house each day and the girl need her hair did , yo.

So I had to be at, oh let’s call it, St.Mary Ingatious, Peter, Paul and All the Saints for Christ’s Sake’s Catholic school to help them right before 3pm and I can’t even concentrate my insane mind on getting ready and getting Cracker ready to go to the neighbors and I can’t find my keys and oh yeah, it’s snowing.  The first snow.  And a cold ass snow, to boot.  And I have Raynauds so I have two pairs of those cheap Walgreens gloves on, medication that I take at night for this and even after all of that, my extremities still look like dead hooker hands and I can’t turn the wheel.

I need to go through Starbucks, because, well, who wouldn’t in my condition and I am running late and I finally get to St.Mary Ingatious, Peter, Paul and All the Saints for Christ’s Sake’s Catholic school and of course school is just letting out.  I find a space and I am carrying my water and my coffee and my purse and some SF bread that I am literally shoving onto my my mouth because I (a) have roid rage hunger of a thousand mutant samurais and (2) I know I wont eat for hours.  I have crumbs stuck in my lip gloss, bad hair; a total disaster.  I am walking in high heel boots, which is totally insane because I can hardly WALK these days and as I get to the locked doors to the auditorium, I start to feel a strange sensation [not a good one] near my ass.

I kick, and punch and fall into the doors, hoping someone will help this poor woman, carrying all this crap and obviously dealing with some sort of steroid-induced haze.  But no.   I have to walk across, around and over 13 miles to the left of the 7th circle of the sun to get to an open door.  About half way, I realize that what is happening in my pants is that my underwear is falling down and I have not one loose little finger anywhere to get in and dig them out.  I know at this point that I have to go in and find the closest girls bathroom and STAT.  Please understand that while I am losing my skivvies, my pants are totally intact and I am absolutely not doing anything illegal. It is a total undergarment accident, completely unintentional and naked to the human eye.

Because I was late, I was entering the hallways, avec a full cup of coffee, as the BELL RINGS.  Holy Cannolli, here they all come!  Now I am a pinball.  A fat, sweaty, tardy, angry little pinball being bumped, shoved, pushed and trampled.  Some girl actually flipped her hair in my face and it tasted like coconut lotion.  Grody, people.  Just…come ON.

Do they not see me?  Do they not notice coffee dribbling from my arms, tears streaking down my face.  I am a woman, invisible.  Demented, directionally challenged and losing her underwear.

That’s right, OMG, My UNDERWEAR.

A perk of not being able to eat food anymore is that I have lost 25 pounds.  A non perk is that my granny panties don’t stay up anymore.

So now I am walking through the crowd, flung around like a blind lemming.  So paranoid that these poor innocent children might be able to tell through my skinny jeans that my underwear has fallen down and is hanging down in my pants on either side of my thighs.  It’s truly the worst feeling imaginable.  (If you are a girl and you have experienced that moment when you think you have gotten Aunt Flo and it’s noticeable to everyone in the world as you are walking around, you can relate to this feeling.)

OF COURSE they couldn’t tell.  OF COURSE they were not looking. OF COURSE they had no idea they were practically stepping on and closing hallway doors on one of the people that could guarantee that they were going to get the lead in the school play.  How would they know?

When I finally get to the auditorium, throw the rest of what is my coffee, purse, smushed bread and all my other crap on the table and find a bathroom where someone isn’t changing into their dance belt, I leap into a stall, hoist up my underwear, fold it over the top of my jeans and shove it under my belt, pull down my sweater, wipe a tear from my eye and get ready for battle.

Have underwear, will travel.

These poor kids.  They have no idea that there will be consequences now to them being unprepared for their audition.    They don’t realize that when they walk in with attitude and roll their eyes when I ask them to sing a song again, that I will actually be so roid-influenced, that they will piss me off.  I will recognize the shovey girl who made me eat her hair in hallway B.  I will write their name on the chorus list with a sharpie because they looked at me wrong.  They deserved a lead, maybe, but don’t give me that look, because I get it from you one more time, and you are going to be tree #3 on the left.  You got it, cookie?

None of this of course really happened. All the students was adorable, fantastic, thoughtful, professional, sweet and charismatic.  I treated them all fairly and with respect.  But in the padded cell that is my mind, it all went down the kooky way.  I actually love the woman who heads up the department and all the people working on the show and I wish I didn’t have so much going on because I would have absolutely loved to be a part of the whole process.  Talented kids, staff all around…some day I hope to do more of that,because it is so rewarding to me.

I finally made it to my hair appointment 30 minutes late.  Because of this, I had to wait another 40 minutes and I was still getting my hair done at 10:15pm. None of this matters, of course, because my hair looks friggen AWESOME.  And, also because there was some wine involved.

And now, kittens.  To bed…to lie there and stare at the walls, freak myself out and act like a crazy woman, all in the comfort of my bed.  Thank God for the Droid sleep app and a pair of ear buds.


I will confess that this was not the first time, but the THIRD time I have had a public problem with my underwear.  Ask my best friend…we will call her FraAllison.  She will tell you, alright.  Truth.

And I will share both of those incidents with you soon.

Until then, may you undies stay on, may your coffee not spill, may you not have to eat teenage, flat-ironed hair in a hallway and may you sleep like a baby.


8 Responses to “To top it all off…my underwear fell Down”

  1. December 2, 2010 at 5:05 am

    This post is awesome sauce.
    I’m so sorry you feel so cruddy, but this post is pee funny!

  2. 3 Abbie
    December 2, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Heather –
    Thanks for making my morning better – I was almost crying (from laughing) at my desk here just ’cause I could picture the situation only too well. I was on prednisone for my hives at one point and was positively manic. I was either sleeping or taking out my frustrations through cleaning (and I talking tackling the baseboards with a toothbrush). It was kind of scary. I’m glad to hear it all worked out and everything got done. Now, as a congratulations for making it through yesterday I say you go find yourself some cute non-granny panties. And before you object to spending money on yourself just think about what would have happened if you had been wearing a skirt…

    P.S. – Not to rain on any parades or anything but make sure you talk to you hair dresser about the dye(s) she/he uses before you do it again. You might not have a problem with skin contact sulfites but I do and I ended up with some disgusting rash that peeled my scalp after just getting highlights (talk about not pretty – looked like an avalanche of dandruff). I can’t imagine what would have happened with a full dye job. I won’t be doing that again (of course I say that now, but as soon as I start getting more gray hair than I can pull out with tweezers I reserve the right to change my mind…)

    • December 2, 2010 at 3:01 pm

      Abbie, I don’t seem to have a problem with the highlights. I know when she does this one thing that “bumps” the color, it makes my scalp burn a bit but its only on for a few minutes so I suck it up.
      I don’t seem to get topical reactions to anything, its mostly just swelling for me. Hopefully, I won’t progress into anything like that.
      I am glad you got a laugh this morning. I kind of knew when I had someone else’s hair stuck in my lip gloss that a meaty blog was soon to be born 😉

  3. 5 Laura Freeman
    December 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Girl you crack me up! Buy some new underwear for the love of god. We can’t have this for our show in the Spring!

  4. December 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    I big puffy heart you and your humor, Heather. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this 😦 Fantastic recount of what might have seemed like an ordinary afternoon to anyone else. Get some new skivvies.

  5. 8 Bobbi
    December 2, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    oh dear. Ohhhh dear.

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Heather Moran

Crazed sulfite-free woman.

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