Archive for August, 2011

22
Aug
11

THE BLONDE CHILI ADVENTURE


*Please see bottom for photo analysis.

or otherwise known as How I Made Crockpot Sulfite-Free Chili Yesterday And It Took Me 12 Hours.  This is not the title of the recipe for a blonde chili, like, made with all yellow ingredients.  This is like, a blonde totally screwed up this recipe.  This easy, three step, a blind hamster could make this recipe, recipe.  Just to clarify.

We are not going to dwell right now on the fact that it took me an extra 4 hours to make this edible.  Let’s just not go there, because I am too menstrual to hover in the abyss.

This is a nice vegetarian, very easy and quick chili recipe…next time I am going to add some ground turkey and I am going to try really, really hard to do a better job.

Vegetarian Chili

Ingredients:

15 ounces kidney beans

15 ounces black beans

5 ounces white beans

1 can ORGANIC diced tomatoes

diced green chili pepper

1 cup organic chicken broth

1 tbsp chili powder

1 tsp cumin

salt and pepper as needed

Daisy sour cream to dollop on top before serving (IF you can manage this…some sulfite-nots cannot, so beware)

  1. The night before, soak beans separately, covering with water, overnight.  Make sure to pick out the ugly stepchild beans that don’t belong.  They can eventually make the end result mushy.
  2. Add the soaked beans in the crock-pot with the can of tomatoes, chopped-up chili pepper, chicken broth; salt and pepper.
  3. Let it sit there on low for about 8 hours, but please check on it.  You may need to add a bit more broth.  We don’t want a repeat of this, do we?


I am ready to talk about what happened now; Advil kicking in.  This chili was good, don’t get me wrong.  Thor not only took it to work the next day, but he had another bowl of it for lunch on Saturday, right in front of me.  I saw him put it in his mouth and he didn’t even spit it in the sink.  This is what actually occured.  When combining ingredients, I thought I was being cutesie and culinarily adorable** when I substituted a can of diced tomatoes.  I decided to just chop up a tomato and chuck it in there.  After checking on it at the 7th hour, it was like the Sahara on a bad day.

Not me. But...me.

Apparently, I needed the juice from the can and didn’t put extra water in the crockpot.  I quicky added a few cups of water and saved the bastard, but I telling you right now that it was a close one.  And this blonde needs a  I need a vacation.

********************************************************************************************************

*This drawing is reedonkulous.

Things that are wrong with this picture:

  • That’s supposed to be a pan with bacon and eggs. It looks like a tennis racket with an upside-down grumpy face.
  • I cant even eat bacon and eggs.
  • It looks like I am wearing 2 breast implants with a see-through skirt.
  • Don’t you hate it when you get black on the tip of your yellow highlighter pen?
  • I don’t look very upset.
  • I wish I was that skinny.

**culinarily adorable[adj]

cu·li·nar·il·y [ kúllə nèrr ill ee ] a·dor·a·ble [ ə dáwrəb’l ]

Sweet, lovable, endearing, huggable in the kitchen when substituting ingredients, thinking that is acceptable when you really just outright suck.

Last week while making pesto, Heather was culinarily adorable when she thought she could substitute 2 cloves of garlic with 4 cups of sugar. 

Sidenote:  In regards to my first caption picture: you can look at the word “analysis” 50 times and it STILL doesn’t seem right.  I mean it has the word anal in it and you don’t ever want to willingly use the word anal, unless you are talking about…anal stuff…especially when you are typing a recipe.

Was that Advil I just took?  Or 3 Vicodin?  Hm.

20
Aug
11

I didn’t die at The Staples.


This is a follow up post to YESTERDAY’S post. Just wanted to update the two people who were wondering if I survived.

Happy and relaxed, ready to really DO THIS.

I had my 3 lists. I had my 3 children.  I had my agenda:  The Staples, lunch,  The Jewel,  Alpha hair cut.  GO!

It wasn’t that bad.  Total drama queen. I annoy me.

At around the middle of the second list, I did start to get a little sweaty and thirsty.  The kids wanted everything that they could get their nasty grubby little hands on (Bambi, you do NOT need a bedazzled stapler) and they were all talking to me at the same time and I was like, “GAAAAAAA!  StopITSTOPShhhhSHHHSTOPTouchingME!”

Alpha, although sweet and thoughtful enough to push the cart, literally bumped into every single person who passed.  And he kept on whacking the back of my heel and my shoe would flip off.   I HATE THAT.  I finally did get full-on dizzy and thought I was going to pass out from a panic attack in the aisle 12 accordion file section.

If Cracker asked me one more time if she could get a lollipop, I was going to shove her in one of the display desk drawers and leave her there.

I did each kid’s list one at a time and let me tell you, it did take a village.  The Staples people were like gnats buzzing around me to guide me to everything I couldn’t find.  Annoying, but very helpful.  Mr.Coffee Breath is always so friendly behind the copy desk!  I really consider him a pal and I feel like we have gotten really close with all my Girl Monday copying excursions this past year.  I really wish he wouldn’t forget me every time I go in there.  Jerk.

So, really The Staples did totally deliver.  I feel really confident that I didn’t do the Walgreens or Tarjay Boutique thing.  Walgreens totally jacks up the prices and I avoid Target because I belong to THIS FACEBOOK GROUP.  The Staples had everything I needed on the lists, except for Alpha’s science goggles – TOTAL mom fail on those.  There are no scientific dork shops in my town that I can find to get those, so now I have to order online and spend 5 times more on the shipping, in order to get it here by Wednesday.

I suck.

But hey!

We even played a shopping game!

At the register, Alpha, Bambi, Cracker and I had a wager as to how much this would all cost.

Cracker said, “I don’t care, I just want a lollipop.”

Bambi said $24.

Alpha said $60.

None of them are very good at that game.

Guess. There are 86 items in the basket.

Ok, stop it.  That’s enough guessing.

$275.64

Holy Schneikies. NOT BAD!

What I did was, I pretended that I thought it was going to be around $600 and therefore, I was really pleasantly surprised.  I think like that on a daily basis because life, in general, hurts less.  I am a big fan of low expectations.

The receipt was long and it made us giggle because it kept on coming out of the guy’s register.

As you can see, some little monster got her freakin’ mutha trucking lollipop.  And this was obviously BEFORE Alpha’s haircut.

I really need to get back on track here.  Absolutely none of this has anything to do with a sulfite.  My apologies.

19
Aug
11

Does The Staples Have Padded Walls?


Mommy's Friday Outfit

I just received a phone call from NCOCAMA. That would be the National Confinement of Crazy Azz Mother’s Association, if you are not familiar. They just wanted to per-register me for my padded cell.

Why could they be calling me at the crack?  Because they have just received notice that, in one hour, I am taking all three of my children to pick out all of their school supplies at The Staples.  One cent sales, bitches!  Most sane parents sneak out of the house and go by themselves, but not me.  I am a warrior and a pioneer.  And a glutton and procrastinator and a self-loathing sadist.  Not really the latter.

If you have not heard from me by 4pm CST, please send troops.

Later today, I will be posting about THE BLONDE CHILI ADVENTURE or How I Made Crockpot Sulfite-Free Chili Yesterday And It Took Me 12 Hours.

18
Aug
11

Blueberry Vinegar


My favorite thing about this pic is Cracker crying over smell.

I don’t normally “out” my kids on here with a picture,  but this could not be avoided.

I got this fun and easy recipe from recipe.com

Ingredients that you will need:

1 1/2 cups fresh bluberries

2 cups rice vinegar

2 tbsp honey

will need jar or bottle with non-metallic lid**

  1. Put the blueberries and vinegar in stainless steel or enamel saucepan. Bring to boiling; reduce heat.
  2. simmered, uncovered for about 3 minutes
  3. stir in honey
  4. remove from heat
  5. drain mixture with fine strainer, getting out all solid matter and toss all that crap in the garbage
  6. transfer the liquid to a clear bottle or jar.  If the cover has any steel on it, put plastic wrap (i sued a baggie over the top) then put the top on  and let it sit for 24 hours.

You need to store this in a cool, dark place and you can keep it for up to 6 months…make sure to remove any blueberries that may be left in there before you use.

Really nice and different taste for a light salad dressing mixed with a little EVOO…Mangi!  Mangi!

**I did a little research about this and it turns out that the acid in the vinegar will corrode any metal.

Veeerrrryyyy Interesting!!!!

//

18
Aug
11

My Kitchen Reeks.


MOM! WHAT THE H*LL!

The kids keep on walking in here from the backyard and they are like, “UHHH! GAAA!  MOOOMMM, WHAT IS THAT???”

What?

I’m just cooking.

Yesterday I made a really runny and watery batch of Cream of Asparagus soup and some Parmesan-encrusted baked chicken. The later was NOT sulfite-free so don’t get all excited.  The soup just totally pissed me off.  I couldn’t get it thickened up properly.  I kept on making little roux batches while repeatedly thinking,  “Shit, more flour???”  Finally, I  looked at it on the stove top and went like this to it and then left it there while I stormed out to work.  Thor dealt with it, God love the man.

When I came home, he was like, “I put your soup away.  It was good.  Was a little watery.”

Today, the reason why my kitchen reeks is because I made blueberry vinegar. WORD!

I really did!

And it doesn’t blow!

It’s rice vinegar-based so I should be able to tolerate it.  Will post the recipe that I got from Recipe Magazine in a minute.

I am crossing my fingers that it will be yummy in 24 hours  and ready to mix with a little EVOO and salad.  Yummers!

I am also making a vegetarian crock pot chili -so easy, so sulfite free.  Hope it doesn’t blow up and end on my kitchen ceiling.  Will post that recipe soon as well.

In conclusion, besides burning my children’s lungs and making a pissy, wussy batch of soup, I am really cranking around here, peeps.

THIS IS MY 50th POST!! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

16
Aug
11

The Sulfite Addiction. And other rants.



It’s like crack.

This addiction to sulfites.

It’s making me an insane woman.  I mean, MORE insane.

I almost long for the days when I would get a reaction that would disable me.  Then I would be forced to avoid everything I can’t eat like the plague.  Now it takes a really large amount of sulfites to effect my RA on the OUTSIDE.  So I cheat and I slowly feel like crapola.

Here is my sulfite haiku:

food with sulfites

shoved in mouth

walk with limp

***********************************

Seriously, who is with me here?  It’s like any diet.  I do okay in the morning.   I am a spitfire of self-control and will power.  But then my light starts to flicker just the ttttiiiiiiiiiiiinneeeesssttt bit near lunch time when I have to make the kids’ food.  So I make the grilled cheese.  My picky children (say outloud with whiniest voice possible) “…need the crusts off…..ppllleeaasee Mommy?”

NO NO NO because MOMMY WILL EAT THE CRUSTS.  THE LITTLE CHEESE-FILLED PIECES OF CRUSTS, WHERE THE CHEESE OOZES OUT THE SIDES.

Cheese that used to render me a virtual paraplegic from the neck down before my meds came into my life.

Now, it’s a slow poisoning.  It’s a gradual bloat all day. By dinner, I am practically shoving olives, laced with vinegar, garlic and jelly in my mouth. I look in the mirror before bed, and I stare at the moon pie face.  And I feel nothing but guilt for sneaking grilled cheese crusties into my mouth…or a few left over nuggets…

It’s like a drug addiction. True dat.

I NEVER considered myself having a food addiction.  Facebook?  Hello, obvious.  Booze?  Sure, why not.  Sex?  Thor wishes.  But, food has never been a really big thing for me.  I don’t care where or what I eat, as long as my tummy doesn’t hurt and I get rid of my low blood sugar grumpies.  But I am addicted to the sulfite DRUGS that are put in our food to keep them from getting moldy.

I have been thinking about trying this HcG diet, but because of some of my medical problems, I am weary.  and SELF! Wake up!  (Smacking myself on the head.)  I don’t need to do anything but eat clean again.

Why is it so hard? whywhywhywhywhy

Summer’s End and a beaten shell of a woman.

I am so tired.  I am a broken woman from this summer.  Done.  Flip me over, take me off the grill, I have had it.  I love my babies but I long for routine, organization, a clean house, a moment to cry and minute to go to the bathroom without someone walking in on me with the DVD case, asking me to put on a movie.  THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

There.  I said it.  Hey, lady..you…over there, PerfectMom…shaking your head. Stop being horrified.  I said what most mothers are thinking right now, but are too worried about being labeled as a bad mother to admit it.

I think some people who don’t get it or don’t want to understand might look at me and say:  “Oh.  Boo.  Poor shell of a woman.  I feel so bad for you that you got to stay home and go to the pool 3 days a week and go to Great America and wear your jammies until 10am and not be in an office.”

And I do love my job.

Correction: Job(S).

Besides the fact that I run a small Entertainment PR firm from my office, I perform as a vocalist and I have over 15 vocal students, I also “work from home” as a mommy and I have to say that my office is not THAT different from other offices where I have worked.  Except:

  • The water cooler is fulled with Cherry Capri Suns
  • My bosses are all under the ages of 12 and they are also my clients.  They can also be intimidating.
  • All  traveling occurs in a dying minivan with little people whipping skittles at my head, yelling at me to turn up the volume on the movie
  • My printer is jammed with 147 print-outs of Hello Kitty coloring pages
  • My work luncheons occur at the snack area of Target
  • All office supplies are made by Crayola
  • I network at the pool
  • The conference room apparently has a toilet in it.

Perks:  Bambi makes me beautiful pictures to decorate my office and helps oversee the “small neighborhood children running all over my house” department. 

Cracker lightens up the office atmosphere with giggles, dancing, messing up every room 12 minutes after I have cleaned it and changing her outfits multiple times a day.

  Alpha is definitely Head of Security, training on the Xbox and learning how to whack people with lacrosse sticks. 

We can’t forget the independent contractors:  (Or sometimes referred to as the workers in the “small neighborhood children running all over my house” department.) The multitudes of little neighborhood children (who I love).  These little cutie pies are constantly stopping in the house for little meetings.  The topics of these are usually strategizing about pulling out every toy in the house and throwing it on the floor, presentations painted on rugs with nail polish and snack breaks every 15 minutes to eat all the food we have in the house.  (These are, of course, supported practices, as most of MY little people in this office are doing them same thing over at their offices.)

Thor always wins employee of the day for coming home from his bigger office job and helps me sort out this hot mess over here.

  I love my co-workers.

  And after my shift is over, when hopefully the house is straightened, the dishes are  in the washer, lights are off and doors are locked ,Thor and I can crawl into bed.

It’s a charming scenario: me, happily sipping my chardonnay and Thor, quietly wanting to kill me for making him watch Toddlers and Tiaras.  No one said life is easy, but dayum, it sure is good.

Happy Anniversary Simple Dude!  I am a proud Simpleton.




Heather Moran

Crazed sulfite-free woman.

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