One Arm Wrapping Doesn’t Have To Be Lonely…

I apologize the for low quality of this photo. Perhaps you will forgive me, since I only have ONE WORKING ARM.

I blame Love’s frozen yogurt. You chilly,swirly bastard.

I was with Cracker yesterday, just leaving an appointment and I saw a sign that had this retro international symbol of awesomeness…

"Open to the public!"

I totally slammed on the breaks and did a U-ey…man, I used to love that stuff! Where has it been??? The whole Frozen Yogurt Movement!! It used to be all over the place…wasn’t it? Am I crazy? I mean, I think the last time I had one, I was wearing a Bosom Buddies t-shirt. I kept on telling Cracker it was ice cream, hoping that it wasn’t going to taste like crap.

It was inside of a workout facility for seniors and they were trying to promote the “healthy” vibe in there. When we walked out, some old lady actually asked Cracker if she just finished working out. Cracker giggled adorably and said “no”. And the lady said, in all seriousness, “then you don’t deserve to have that”. I seriously, seriously almost bitch-slapped her. Seriously.

So, you remember, you can twist that all up together…two flavors…remember that???? So I got a french vanilla, just for nostalgia-sake, and some sugar free/fat free pepermint. Holiday party in.my.tummy, ya’ll!

HELLO, SELF, you idiot. I am allergic to anything NOT PURE. There is nothing that is pure in a sugar free/fat free yogurt. Like, what IS IT? And it kinda tasted like peppermint baby vomit. But I ate it in defiance. The whole freaking thing. I could hear Cracker in the back seat, going “ew” a couple of times, but I think she ate it in defiance, too. In defiance of what, I am not certain, but has a tenancy to run a little surly.

It took about 30 minutes before I started to feel “THE TWINGE” in my left shoulder. It can be any joint. My immune system likes to change it up and leave me guessing. “THE TWINGE” is quickly followed by the voice in my head saying “Uh oh. ‘THE TWINGE.’ I will be virtually lame within an hour.” By the time we finished errands and I am rushing home to teach a lesson, I could barely steer. On goes the sling. I really need to bling that thing up.

After dinner, I realize that I have to get my nieces’ gifts in the mail, wrapped, so they can be delivered in time for Christmas. I annually SUCK at all things having anything to do with Christmas deadlines, but “As God is my witness…not this year!” she says, holding up a radish to the skies…

Look, she only has one arm, too.

Now, I had my arm in a sling, not because it’s frozen, but because if I move it a cillimeter of a millimeter of an eigth of an inch, shooting daggers of pain whip up my arm, through my shoulder and stab my brain. So, I just try not to move it.

Thor sweetly offered to help, but he was busy helping Alpha finish the project at the last minute that he had TWO WEEKS TO DO BUT DON’T GET ME STARTED. Cracker was off somewhere having her Barbie’s kiss and hug ’cause that’s her newest thing and Bambi is running around the house like the quadruped Turkish tribe who walks on all fours. We are strange, yo.

So I had to wrap all these presents. Bambi eventually returned to Bipedalism and offered to help. She actually got really excited and put on Christmas music. She said, with kind of a maniacal and over-caffeinated look in her eyes, “This is great, you guys, I feel like an only child!!!” *Sigh* I love her.

And I was thinking while we were doing it, every crease, every fold, every piece of tape thrown on there and the bow, Lord of the RINGS, the bow…all of it was literally made very slowly, painfully and with a helluva lot of love. And in the end, with all three of us together, Thor and I agreed on one thing: a nice wrapping job, done well and with care, is definitely part of the present 😉

And I will NOT be accepting Love’s frozen yogurt gift certs this year, thankyouverymuch.

(And you can only imagine how long it took me to type up this post with only 4 fingers from my right hand. Love, people; that’s love.)

12 Responses to “One Arm Wrapping Doesn’t Have To Be Lonely…”

  1. December 13, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Oh Damn, girl – that is HARSH. OK, I will make it my personal mission to find you a substitute for the chemical laden Love’s of yore. Do you have a food processor? How are you with dairy? I usually toss frozen bananas and almond butter in the food processor and keep it grinding away until it is smooth and creamy – 6 – 10 minutes or you could do a banana almond butter smoothie with milk in the blender if you like it less creamy and more milk shakey….. I have an ice cream maker (got it on freecycle, woo hoo) so I can make all sorts of different ice creams.

    There is no love at Love’s…..

    • December 13, 2011 at 5:25 pm

      Yum….that sounds soooooo good….I have a cuisinart and of course, La Bullet Maggggic…..

      • December 16, 2011 at 12:36 am

        You will be well pleased if you try it – I have served it to many people that eat processed garbage 24/7 and they have all loved it. I cut up the bananas and put them on a cookie sheet and freeze them like that. If they are stuck to the cookie sheet, I leave it out for a little bit, then scrape them off the cookie sheet with a spatula and put them in a bad for later use. Then, when I want the ice cream, I just put them in the cuisinart with the almond butter and blend and blend – sometimes I stop and scrape the sides. It is totally the consistency of soft serve ice cream. Give it a shot, you won’t be sorry!

  2. December 13, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Oh man. If I had that reaction to all the crappy things I crave … I’d be a quadriplegic. Both wings in slings, y’all, and don’t even ask about the casts on my webs. Sorry to hear that -free was a physical assult.

  3. 5 shauna
    February 2, 2012 at 5:44 am

    Okay, I just gotta say – thank you for making your blog so much fun to read, even when life is literally SUCKING, like, well, like a great big sucking thing. An anteater-hoover mutant or something.

    And partly, I’m saying thanks because it makes me want to read your older posts; they make me smile. And then, because I was reading, I happened to read your list of links, including the one that mentions water containing sulfites. And that one had me pause and say – wait a second, I’ve been getting headaches and inflammation after drinking bottled water for the last 2 freaking years. No way. Sulfites couldn’t be the reason, right?

    Except it got me researching, and now…well, the docs are going to be looking into some stuff. There’s a lot of stuff that the docs thought might be corn issues, except it didn’t quite fit, because some corn seemed worse than others, even if it was smaller amounts. Like, oh, cornstarch, dextrose, and citric acid. Argh. And chocolate problems. And, and, and…If I go over everything looking through a sulfite lense, a lot is matching up.

    So thank you, seriously, for this blog. Looks like I may be joining you in sulfite freedom before long. We’ll know by this Friday, hopefully.

    • February 2, 2012 at 6:46 am

      Well, ok. Consider my cockles warmed. And for once, I am not trying to be dirty. If just ONE sulfitenot can begin to see the light, then I am a happy woman. Glad you found the amazing people over at the sulfite yahoo group. Please make sure to visit my dear pal Tracy’s website


      It’s amah-zing. She is my guru.
      And Dr. Mike. He is my hero. He diagnosed me when no one would listen.


      I have my ups and downs. Right now I am on an up, so I seem to not blog as much when I am perky. Go figure. But I give myself 4-10 days until the next crazy flare-up and meanwhile, there must be about 5 trillion people who are going to discover that sulfites and processed foods are ruining their lives.

      Glad you stumbled upon the goofiiness and always feel free to vent, post, comment, slap, cry and/or clink with me here…it’s a small world we live in, but I am sticking to it 🙂
      Welcome Shauna….

      • 7 shauna
        February 10, 2012 at 9:37 pm

        Thank you! 😀

      • March 4, 2012 at 2:04 am

        And yup, sulfite sensitivity for the win! Or lose, or whatever. Sigh.

        I was looking at my garden and wanted to just go ‘waaaaah.’ I suck at gardening, but this year, I was going to GARDEN. So I worked and dug and planted…and the veggies that actually survived are ALL sulfite unfriendly! Every last one of them!

        Seriously, laugh until you cry some days!

        Hope your week is going well and sulfite free. 🙂

  4. 9 Samantha Gleason
    August 30, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I love this blog. It’s great knowing I’m not the only one out there trying to get by. I was wondering if anyone here know of any at-home way to know if there are any sulfites in certain foods. I’ve noticed I have a slight reaction with some of my favorite foods and drinks, and I want to see if it’s due to my sulfite allergy. I don’t want to give up those items if I don’t have to. I’d really appreciate any help!

  5. March 6, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Where are you? I read your whole blog and love the way you write and all the good information you share but now YOU’RE GONE! But I need more of you!

    • March 9, 2013 at 1:16 am

      Thanks so much for the Post! Alas, I have been away, immersed in self-loathing and hatred because I fell off the sulfite wagon and gained 15 pounds. I haven’t been able to laugh at myself until just finished losing the 15 I gained, through clean eating, avoiding sulfites, working out and drinking vodka. More posts soon with new recipes for me to screw up!

  6. 12 Gina
    January 30, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    I am investigating a possible sulfite allergy/intolerance myself. I’d love for you to come back even if you are not doing so hot or self-loathing, or unsuccessful, or plain just don’t feel funny. I’d like to read more posts 🙂

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Heather Moran

Crazed sulfite-free woman.

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