Posts Tagged ‘blog

22
Aug
11

THE BLONDE CHILI ADVENTURE


*Please see bottom for photo analysis.

or otherwise known as How I Made Crockpot Sulfite-Free Chili Yesterday And It Took Me 12 Hours.  This is not the title of the recipe for a blonde chili, like, made with all yellow ingredients.  This is like, a blonde totally screwed up this recipe.  This easy, three step, a blind hamster could make this recipe, recipe.  Just to clarify.

We are not going to dwell right now on the fact that it took me an extra 4 hours to make this edible.  Let’s just not go there, because I am too menstrual to hover in the abyss.

This is a nice vegetarian, very easy and quick chili recipe…next time I am going to add some ground turkey and I am going to try really, really hard to do a better job.

Vegetarian Chili

Ingredients:

15 ounces kidney beans

15 ounces black beans

5 ounces white beans

1 can ORGANIC diced tomatoes

diced green chili pepper

1 cup organic chicken broth

1 tbsp chili powder

1 tsp cumin

salt and pepper as needed

Daisy sour cream to dollop on top before serving (IF you can manage this…some sulfite-nots cannot, so beware)

  1. The night before, soak beans separately, covering with water, overnight.  Make sure to pick out the ugly stepchild beans that don’t belong.  They can eventually make the end result mushy.
  2. Add the soaked beans in the crock-pot with the can of tomatoes, chopped-up chili pepper, chicken broth; salt and pepper.
  3. Let it sit there on low for about 8 hours, but please check on it.  You may need to add a bit more broth.  We don’t want a repeat of this, do we?


I am ready to talk about what happened now; Advil kicking in.  This chili was good, don’t get me wrong.  Thor not only took it to work the next day, but he had another bowl of it for lunch on Saturday, right in front of me.  I saw him put it in his mouth and he didn’t even spit it in the sink.  This is what actually occured.  When combining ingredients, I thought I was being cutesie and culinarily adorable** when I substituted a can of diced tomatoes.  I decided to just chop up a tomato and chuck it in there.  After checking on it at the 7th hour, it was like the Sahara on a bad day.

Not me. But...me.

Apparently, I needed the juice from the can and didn’t put extra water in the crockpot.  I quicky added a few cups of water and saved the bastard, but I telling you right now that it was a close one.  And this blonde needs a  I need a vacation.

********************************************************************************************************

*This drawing is reedonkulous.

Things that are wrong with this picture:

  • That’s supposed to be a pan with bacon and eggs. It looks like a tennis racket with an upside-down grumpy face.
  • I cant even eat bacon and eggs.
  • It looks like I am wearing 2 breast implants with a see-through skirt.
  • Don’t you hate it when you get black on the tip of your yellow highlighter pen?
  • I don’t look very upset.
  • I wish I was that skinny.

**culinarily adorable[adj]

cu·li·nar·il·y [ kúllə nèrr ill ee ] a·dor·a·ble [ ə dáwrəb’l ]

Sweet, lovable, endearing, huggable in the kitchen when substituting ingredients, thinking that is acceptable when you really just outright suck.

Last week while making pesto, Heather was culinarily adorable when she thought she could substitute 2 cloves of garlic with 4 cups of sugar. 

Sidenote:  In regards to my first caption picture: you can look at the word “analysis” 50 times and it STILL doesn’t seem right.  I mean it has the word anal in it and you don’t ever want to willingly use the word anal, unless you are talking about…anal stuff…especially when you are typing a recipe.

Was that Advil I just took?  Or 3 Vicodin?  Hm.

20
Aug
11

I didn’t die at The Staples.


This is a follow up post to YESTERDAY’S post. Just wanted to update the two people who were wondering if I survived.

Happy and relaxed, ready to really DO THIS.

I had my 3 lists. I had my 3 children.  I had my agenda:  The Staples, lunch,  The Jewel,  Alpha hair cut.  GO!

It wasn’t that bad.  Total drama queen. I annoy me.

At around the middle of the second list, I did start to get a little sweaty and thirsty.  The kids wanted everything that they could get their nasty grubby little hands on (Bambi, you do NOT need a bedazzled stapler) and they were all talking to me at the same time and I was like, “GAAAAAAA!  StopITSTOPShhhhSHHHSTOPTouchingME!”

Alpha, although sweet and thoughtful enough to push the cart, literally bumped into every single person who passed.  And he kept on whacking the back of my heel and my shoe would flip off.   I HATE THAT.  I finally did get full-on dizzy and thought I was going to pass out from a panic attack in the aisle 12 accordion file section.

If Cracker asked me one more time if she could get a lollipop, I was going to shove her in one of the display desk drawers and leave her there.

I did each kid’s list one at a time and let me tell you, it did take a village.  The Staples people were like gnats buzzing around me to guide me to everything I couldn’t find.  Annoying, but very helpful.  Mr.Coffee Breath is always so friendly behind the copy desk!  I really consider him a pal and I feel like we have gotten really close with all my Girl Monday copying excursions this past year.  I really wish he wouldn’t forget me every time I go in there.  Jerk.

So, really The Staples did totally deliver.  I feel really confident that I didn’t do the Walgreens or Tarjay Boutique thing.  Walgreens totally jacks up the prices and I avoid Target because I belong to THIS FACEBOOK GROUP.  The Staples had everything I needed on the lists, except for Alpha’s science goggles – TOTAL mom fail on those.  There are no scientific dork shops in my town that I can find to get those, so now I have to order online and spend 5 times more on the shipping, in order to get it here by Wednesday.

I suck.

But hey!

We even played a shopping game!

At the register, Alpha, Bambi, Cracker and I had a wager as to how much this would all cost.

Cracker said, “I don’t care, I just want a lollipop.”

Bambi said $24.

Alpha said $60.

None of them are very good at that game.

Guess. There are 86 items in the basket.

Ok, stop it.  That’s enough guessing.

$275.64

Holy Schneikies. NOT BAD!

What I did was, I pretended that I thought it was going to be around $600 and therefore, I was really pleasantly surprised.  I think like that on a daily basis because life, in general, hurts less.  I am a big fan of low expectations.

The receipt was long and it made us giggle because it kept on coming out of the guy’s register.

As you can see, some little monster got her freakin’ mutha trucking lollipop.  And this was obviously BEFORE Alpha’s haircut.

I really need to get back on track here.  Absolutely none of this has anything to do with a sulfite.  My apologies.




Heather Moran

Crazed sulfite-free woman.

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